A proven process for dealing with Rejection

 The long-awaited email from the agent arrives. With a trembling hand, you open it. Polite greeting, generic praise and wham, there it is. Rejection. You drop your head to the desk.

Now what? A bevy of emotions will roil through you. You need a process to work through your emotions and make some tough decisions. Let me show my process for dealing with rejection. I’ve unfortunately gotten too much practice lately.

Stages of Grief

Now is not the time to be making decisions. That comes later. Right now, deal with the stages of grief. Rejection causes emotions like grief, and you’ll go through the same stages. You’ll start with the visceral denial. Oh god, no. Please, not again. This was going to be the one! That will give way to anger. You’ll be mad at the agent, the publishing house, your beta readers, your critique partners, random people on the Internet, and Bob from Accounting. Do not send any emails or Tweets, or make any posts on Facebook, Instagram, or whatever social media site you are on.

Next, you’ll bargain. You’ll parse every word in the email. You’ll ask your writer friends what it means. While you’re doing that, start mentally preparing for the toughest hurdle yet. The feelings of depression. That little voice that says: I’m never going to get published. I’ll never be good enough. Why am I wasting my life away at this? I should quit.

Let me say it again. Now is not the time to be making decisions. Take a break. Read a book, play a game, discover the secret to time travel. Do anything but think about your book. Those feelings will pass, you’ll reach acceptance, and you’ll remember that…

It’s all a part of the game

Every writer gets rejected. Every famous writer has a story about getting rejected dozens of times. It’s just part of the gig. We know this on an intellectual level, but somewhere along the way, we let ourselves think that we’ve hit our quota and the next query is going to be ‘the one’. In the words of Wesley from The Princess Bride, “Get used to disappointment”.

Okay, so you’ve processed through the emotions. You’ve given yourself some space and time to recover. Now, you can start making decisions, and you’ll start with the most important question of all.

Do you continue the journey or quit?

If you want to be a writer, but don’t enjoy writing and querying and marketing and publication, it’s okay to give it up. The journey from writer to author is all about the process, and there are a myriad of careers that pay off faster, and make much better money. Go back and remind yourself why you wanted to be a writer in the first place. Is that reason still enough for you to press on

To answer the question, Ask it

Andy Stanley wrote a fantastic book on how to make decisions called Ask It: The Question That Will Revolutionize How You Make Decisions. Mr. Stanley outlines a process that boils down any decision to framing it in this manner: “based on my past experience, my current life situation and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?”

Walk through those steps. Think about your past experiences. What has led you to this moment? What have you learned along the way? Think about your current life situation. Do you have kids now that didn’t when you started, or have the kids gone off to college? Finally, think about your future hopes and dreams. Where do you want to be in a year, five years, ten? What’s the next best step to get there?

More questions if you decide to press on

If you decide you want to continue to pursue your publication dreams, there are more questions you should ask yourself. These are inspired by a blog post from Sarah Rexford, former columnist in this very space.

Questions:

• Am I continuing to educate myself about writing, querying, marketing, and publishing?
• Am I looking for small wins like writing blog posts, or short stories?
• Am I working on my brand?
• Am I growing? How does my writing compare to a month ago? A year ago? Five years ago? 
• Am I writing? The old axiom is still true. Writers write.

Rejection is an avoidable career marker. It means you’re putting your stuff out there. Take the time to process through your emotions and carefully decide on your next move.

Ted Atchley is a freelance writer and professional computer programmer. Whether it’s words or code, he’s always writing. Ted’s love for speculative fiction started early on with Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia, and the Star Wars movies. This led to reading Marvel comics and eventually losing himself in Asimov’s Apprentice Adept and the world of Krynn (Dragonlance Chronicles). 

After blogging on his own for several years, Blizzard Watch (blizzardwatch.com) hired Ted to be a regular columnist in 2016. When the site dropped many of its columns two years later, they retained Ted as a staff writer. 

He lives in beautiful Charleston, SC with his wife and children. When not writing, you’ll find him spending time with his family, and cheering on his beloved Carolina Panthers. He’s currently revising his work-in-progress portal fantasy novel before preparing to query. 

Ted as a bi-montly newsletter which you can join here. It’s a roundup of links about writing, Star Wars, Marvel, and/or the Panthers with brief commentary from him. Think of it as a kind of ICYMI (In Case You Missed It). Eventually, you’ll see info about my his books, and even receive free short stories.

• Twitter: @tedatchley3
• Twitter: @honorshammer (gaming / Blizzard Watch)