Keeping Your Sentences Clear
Example #1
“They had such a great time at the amusement park. First, my aunt and cousins went on the merry go round, then my uncle took them on the big roller coaster. Finally, they went on the teacups right before they closed for the night, and they took them home to bed.”
Have you ever started a sentence this way? Especially now that we’re home so much more, we may assume that everyone in our shrunken social circles knows exactly who we’re talking about when we start a story. In the sentence above, the first “they” is merely confusing if you’re just joining the conversation; the reference to “my aunt and cousins” in the next sentence seemingly clears that up. However, as the story goes on, the constant references to “they” and “them” start to get confusing. By the end, you’re asking yourself, “Wait, who went on the teacups? And who took who home after “they” closed?”
Pronouns and Antecedents
Pronouns are lovely things, and there are so many types! You have personal pronouns, direct and indirect pronouns, possessive pronouns, demonstrative pronouns… Pronouns prevent us from saying awkward things like:
Example #2
“Danny went to the store in Danny’s car to buy food to fill Danny’s refrigerator.”
Instead, they allow us to say:
“Danny went to the store in his car to buy food to fill his refrigerator.”
In this sentence, we understand that “his” is referring to Danny.
One challenge I notice as a proofreader is that some people get a little “pronoun happy.” As you saw in the example at the beginning of the article, overuse of pronouns can cause the reader to lose the meaning of the story.
An antecedent (prefix “ante-” meaning “before) comes before the pronoun you use to clear up the meaning. “Danny” is the antecedent for “his car” and “his refrigerator.”
What we need in the first example are some antecedents—and in some cases, to just use nouns—to help us know who all the “they” pronouns are referring to.
Let’s make some corrections:
Original Example #1:
“They had such a great time at the amusement park. First, my aunt and cousins went on the merry go round, then my uncle took them on the big roller coaster. Finally, they went on the teacups right before they closed for the night, and they took them home to bed.”
Improved Example #1:
“My aunt, uncle, and cousins had such a great time at the amusement park. First, my aunt and cousins went on the merry go round, then my uncle took my cousins on the big roller coaster. Finally, the whole family went on the teacups right before the park closed for the night, and my aunt and uncle took my cousins home to bed.”
You’ll notice that in the improved example, there are far fewer pronouns. In order to accurately convey what happened, you need to use more antecedents or leave out the pronouns.
Example #3
“The girls went to the mall in the car to return it. They had missed the return window, so they only got $5.25 for it. They were disappointed.”
At first read, you may think, “I imagine they were disappointed if they only got $5.25 for returning a car!” Logically, you know that something is missing. Here, “it” needs an antecedent to make sense.
Instead:
“The girls went to the mall in the car to return the sweater. They had missed the return window, so they only got $5.25 for it. They were disappointed.”
We all feel better for these girls!!
Finally:
Example #4:
“Roxanne is a real go-getter. She is always at work early. Sarah usually comes in to work a little late, but she really understands the data systems the best. They are both essential to the office, so it will be difficult to tell her that she’s the one we’ve chosen to let go.”
In this final example, everything makes sense until the very end where you have to be in the know to understand whether Roxanne or Sarah is the one being let go. To clear up confusion for anyone just entering the room, you would say:
“Roxanne is a real go-getter. She is always at work early. Sarah usually comes in to work a little late, but she really understands the data systems the best. They are both essential to the office, so it will be difficult to tell Roxanne that she’s the one we’ve chosen to let go.”
What about you?
Have you ever been deep into writing the next chapter of your book, knowing perfectly well which character you’re talking about, but realize you haven’t actually used that character’s name in eight pages? When you proofread, keep a sharp eye out for your pronouns, and make sure that there is a clear antecedent so that your readers don’t get confused!
Dayna Betz is a full-time freelancer providing proofreading and editing services to help writers put their best foot forward. She also enjoys reading and writing book reviews. Head over to her site to learn more: https://betzliterary.com.
